Tuesday, 6 July 2010
A Crisis of Confidence
Suddenly, three months in, I'm suffering from a crushing crisis of confidence.
Fears, that lay dormant during the somnambulistic first few weeks of motherhood have begun to multiply and mutate, and are raging through our quiet routine at speed.
I'm worrying about everything; am I feeding him too much? Should we have more of a schedule? Have I established the wrong sleep associations? Am I guilty of accidental parenting?
I leaf through pages of accusations thinly veiled as advice and feel my guilt thicken as I read. One book's answers are another book's problems and everywhere I turn I find counsel that condemns my efforts.
Everyone told me that if I could survive the first twelve weeks of motherhood it would be plain sailing there on in, but whilst survival is a black and white business, good parenting is as grey and vaporous as mist and I can feel its droplets slipping through my fingers every time he cries.