Friday, 5 August 2011

Just the Two of Us

I smiled as I kissed him goodbye; I said "have fun!"  as I slammed the car door and I waved cheerily as we reversed out of the drive. And only once we were on the road and it was impossible for him to know, did I let the tears roll down my cheeks and the stupid sobs loose from the tight recesses of my throat.

Because even though I was heading off for a long-overdue day out with my hubby and my boy was safely entrusted to Grandma, and even though I knew he would be fine, and I would be fine, and everything was just fine, it still felt guilty and scared and sick for no apparent reason.

I still struggled to hold a conversation with my husband because I was too busy worrying about what John would make of being left for the very first time, I still checked the clock obsessively throughout the day to see whether he would be napping or visiting or making his way back home, I still punctuated every conversation with his name, saying 'John would have loved this' or 'we have to come back here with John', and every time I spotted horses or birdies or bees I felt a sharp pang of regret that I had no one to point them out to and delight with at their presence.

Once the separation had settled and the sun had begun to shine I did relax into the day and enjoy the luxury of time spent at a pace that was entirely our own. I enjoyed the giddy elation of swinging through the trees, I enjoyed a quiet and leisurely lunch and I enjoyed walking through bracken as high as my waist with a man who I married just four years ago.

But despite knowing that I was having a lovely day, and despite appreciating the novelty of time alone with my man, it was a stunted sort of happiness, and I couldn't help but feel that I'd left half my heart behind at home, and that there would always be an ache in my smiles unless my boy was by my side.


  1. It gets easier - though I still have to catch myself from speaking out loud when I see a good digger they might have enjoyed.

  2. I loved Ali's comment.

    I'm sure John had a great day with Grandma. We looked after our friends' son a while ago and as much as he loves his Mum and Dad he enjoyed playing with us and then was very excited when they came to pick him up. x

  3. I once stopped at the field gate proclaiming "Oh look, horses!" remembering too late, that my little one was at home :)