Friday, 1 June 2012

Trying


If you were to ask me, as people so often do, whether we'd like to have any more children, I would tell you that we were "trying." Perhaps I'd even tell you that we'd been "trying" for sixteen months.

It's a funny term, "trying". Because try as we might, we cannot make this happen.

We have no power to magic this dream into existence, however hard or long we might hope and 'try', and in some ways I don't think it should be called 'trying' at all.

Yet in others, I can see that this period of life is truly a season of trying.

I'm trying not to loose hope as month after month ends in a slow slip of despair;
I'm trying not to let fear hang over my happiness as I await my tests;
I'm trying to feel genuine joy and excitement and compassion for each of my pregnant friends as they travel their own beautiful and difficult paths;
I'm trying to wait and trust and pray;
I'm trying to remember that my own happiness need not be be dulled through its comparison to others';
I'm trying not to project my fears on the future and live in a self-created bubble of worry;
I'm trying to surrender myself to the mysterious workings of a universe that's wild and unpredictable and unjust;
I'm trying to believe that this life is enough, exactly as it is;
I'm trying to forgive myself for the times when I think that maybe it isn't;
I'm trying to see each new month as the fresh new opportunity, filled with promise and hope;
I'm trying to keep busy and active and distracted;
I'm trying to remember that sixteen months is really a very short time in the grand course of a lifetime;
I'm trying to hold on to the love that I have for my husband in the midst of all this trying;
Most of all, I'm trying to live my life focusing on what I have rather than what I haven't.

It's not easy, but I'm trying.

7 comments:

  1. It is the longest wait. And made no easier by questions and the assumption that the timing of such things is under your control. Thinking of you.

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  2. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I remember so well how you never plan more than six months ahead because you might be pregnant and you put your life on hold. But if it is any help, I enrolled on an Open University course when I was 40 to take my mind off not being able to have another baby. By the time the course started I was dealing with morning sickness. My precious younger daughter was born when I was pushing 42. Remember, life is what happens when you are busy making other plans

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    1. Thank you. You're so right about the planning. I've been putting off buying new clothes for months as I keep hoping that I won't be this shape for much longer. It just means I've had nothing to wear for a year and a half. Its hard not to mentally put life on hold.

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  3. It will happen, Helen. I am sure of this. Perhaps the universe felt that although you have been feeling ready for another child for over a year perhaps you weren't quite ready really?

    My first two came easily. Too quickly some might say! My third kept us waiting. She was born just after my 41st birthday. The wait was more than worth it.

    I understand.

    Completely.

    Stephanie

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    1. Thank you. Hopefully one day I'll be saying that the wait was worth it too.

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  4. Pope Pius once asked Louis Armstrong if there were any little Armstrongs and Louis replied "No, Your Holiness, but we are sure having a lot of fun trying" and gave him a huge wink. The Pope blushed.

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  5. you have no idea how much i can relate. or maybe you can. your struggle is a beast. a great big one. we all suffer. none of us are alone in our pain. yet,i think our situations allow for a more acute appreciation for the beauty within. you will find strength in yourself, and in your family that you didn't know was possible. and we never, never, never know what the future holds for us. we can only have faith that everything works out exactly as it should. much love to you.

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