Saturday, 19 April 2014

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I filled the house with flowers. I laid the table with the white cloth and wove silk flowers into the edge of his Easter basket. This was her legacy to me and this is my legacy to him.

Friday, 18 April 2014

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It was a day full of so many emotions. Fear. Hope. Pain. Gratitude. But mostly it was about relief. Pure, cool relief.

Thursday, 17 April 2014

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For the first time I let a tiny glimmer of hope sneak through the bars. I didn't know what to do with myself all day.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

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I miss him when he's not here. I wonder if I always will.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

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No matter how mitigating the circumstances it still feels sinfully decadent to read in bed on a sunny afternoon.

Monday, 14 April 2014

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As soon as she walked through the door I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. The wheels are in motion. And I will be carried along.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

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So much laughter. So much silliness. So much joy. Even when I'm cold, tired and troubled I have so much to be thankful for.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

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It was such a terrible start. Guilt. Resentment. Tantrums. For a moment I had no idea how we'd come back from it. "It can only get better" I told him and of course it did. Better beyond belief.

Friday, 11 April 2014

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Sometimes it's just about crossing off the days.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

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I wish we could skip this part and get straight to the bit where we're friends. But you can't cry on someone's shoulder unless you've asked them where they're from and one day I might be very glad that I did.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

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Several times I let it all overwhelm me. I was so glad we made it to the pool. A swim is always the answer.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

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I reacted badly. But I was so angry on his behalf. How dare they not see how wonderful he is, how hard he's worked, how great he'd be? How dare they?

Monday, 7 April 2014

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When I arrived he was digging for treasure in her garden whilst she cut out easter eggs at the kitchen table. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

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He was completely contented all day. Absorbed in his imagination and enrapt in his games. I wanted to climb inside his head just to see what it was like.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

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Giant shiny pennies and a tiny silver sixpence, swingboats in the rain, a quarter of sweets in a ripped paper bag, a journey down a mine, tiny cottages with smoke curling out of the chimneys. There were too many good things to count.

Friday, 4 April 2014

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He told us exactly how to make popcorn on a campfire. When we told him he'd have to teach us, he danced a little dance. This next stage is exciting for all of us.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

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All day long I scrubbed and swept, polished and sorted. By the time he came home it was a space I could breathe in again.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

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I told her that there is no point worrying about scenarios that may very well never happen. I need to listen to my own advice.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

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I thought I knew exactly what the day would be about, but in fact I had no idea. It was about hot sunshine and freshly dug earth and the first ice lollies of the summer.

Monday, 31 March 2014

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I couldn't wait for him to get home. I watched the clock. I waited at the window. I looked up each time a car passed. I don't really know why. He has no more power to save me from this than anyone.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

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It was like stepping back in time. The same people doing exactly the same things. None of them looking a day older. I myself felt as though a lifetime had passed since the last time I was there.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

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"We haven't been able to." It's what I've started to say. So much heartache in such a few simple words.

Friday, 28 March 2014

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He walked in on me dancing wildly to to the tune that's been playing on a loop in my head and joined in the silent dancing without a quiver of a question. "Clap along if you know what happiness is to you"

Thursday, 27 March 2014

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And then, just two days after unwrapping it, he got on the bike and rode it. Rode it! I was quite overcome with elation. It felt as if our lives had just changed for good.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

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He needed nothing at all from me all morning and everything all afternoon. I struggled a little with both.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

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I let myself look at his baby photos and think about four years. It was like biting a lip until it bled. I don't know why I do that to myself either.

Monday, 24 March 2014

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It was an entirely unremarkable, ordinary day full of unremarkable, ordinary joys.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

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It was such a relief to get out of the house and spend the day with family. Even so there were still tears at bedtime. I could entirely understand why.

Saturday, 22 March 2014

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Afterwards we kept going over and over it. How happy he was. How much they enjoyed the castle. How lovely his friends are. How very worth it everything was.

Friday, 21 March 2014

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The adrenaline was pumping all day. Shopping done, dragon mask made, castle cake iced, bunting strung, house cleaned. Busy. Sticky. Happy.

Thursday, 20 March 2014

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The only thing that seems to clear these headaches is a swim. It's the best medicine I've ever taken.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

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I'm probably making a rod for my own back but I'm very aware that I might only get one shot at this game and I want to make sure that I do it with style.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

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I am the keeper of roadside treasures.

Monday, 17 March 2014

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I booked him an appointment then cancelled it and spent the rest of the afternoon wishing that I hadn't. This is not one of the things that I'm good at.

Sunday, 16 March 2014

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There were tiny lambs and newborn calves, meercats, monkeys and tractors. But all I really wanted to do was lie in the sun and let the wonder of it soak into my bones.

Saturday, 15 March 2014

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Basically, I really don't mind what we do as long as we're doing it together.

Friday, 14 March 2014

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He must have asked several hundred times this week to light a fire. It was good to finally say yes.

Thursday, 13 March 2014

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The fear at my back kept tapping me on the shoulder making me breathless with panic. I was so grateful that he needed me to sing him back to sleep tonight.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

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We spent the day doing paper mache, baking chocolate brownies and constructing a cardboard castle. Then we walked away from the mess and found a little slice of old fashioned magic.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

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I moved my chair into the patch of sunshine by the window and then changed my whole afternoon's plans to stay there for as long as I could.

Monday, 10 March 2014

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He's bubbling with excitement and brimming with ideas. I really hope I can pull some of them off for him.

Sunday, 9 March 2014

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The air was warm and full of bird song. Spring was not so much a promise as a present.

Saturday, 8 March 2014

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None of it mattered as soon as I got out of the house. I should have known that it wouldn't.

Friday, 7 March 2014

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They took the back off the washing machine and twisted their necks to look into its innards. My men. Doing man things together.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

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In the end, it was a spur of the moment decision in a situation that was out of control. I still don't know how I feel about it. I hugged him extra tight at bedtime.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

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"Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return..." I thought about it for a while, and then I went swimming and didn't.

Something for Lent

This Lent I'm back here doing my own version of habit. One photo and one thought each day. A way of living consciously through the busy months ahead.